Choosing Happiness Now

In my experience, happiness is a decision we make; it is not derived from an event, nor is it dependent on somebody else. Happiness is not a stroke of luck. Too many people say, ‘I’d be happy if I had a boyfriend,’ or, ‘I’ll be happy when I make partner.’ When I hear this, I get a bad feeling about their chances of happiness. It’s perfectly legitimate to want to be in a loving relationship or to make partner, but pinning our happiness on something that has yet to come to pass is a sure-fire way to miss the happiness available to us in the here and now.

Money isn’t the answer

A huge amount of research has been carried out into what makes people happy. One of the inescapable conclusions is that the answer isn’t money. Being poor makes people very miserable but more money only makes them happier until they have just a bit more than the average income for their country. After that, there’s no correlation between more cash and more happiness. Much more reliable indicators are the strength of a person’s links to friends or family and their ability to focus on the positive rather than the negative elements of their situation.

Success comes after happiness

Positive psychology has demonstrated that we can learn the happiness habits, chief of which is flipping our belief that being successful will make us happy. In fact the opposite is true. You are much more likely to be successful (however you define it) if and when you are happy.

What is happiness?

Despite the mountain of wonderful books that have been published on how to be happy, there’s still a lot of misunderstanding about happiness. Many people associate it with the euphoria of falling in love or getting a new job. Or they think of it as something a bit more modest but still connected to an external activity: a night out with old friends, say.

We often assume that happiness is the preserve of extroverts who always have exciting weekend plans, or it’s a by-product of having kids or being able to buy a new dress every week. It’s contingent on others, external events, and the acquisition of ‘stuff’.

The problem is this makes happiness incompatible with the bulk of our experiences, which are not that high-octane. Some of them are downright unpleasant, dull, sad or painful. It also puts us in a position of powerlessness, just waiting for something or someone to come and light up our lives.

I think that’s a terrible idea.

Finding our own happiness

We will never live a life of sizzling success unless we make a deep emotional commitment to creating our own happiness, every day, no matter what’s going on in our lives.

That doesn’t mean faking positivity. We shouldn’t expect ourselves to be cheerful in the face of financial crisis or a deep disappointment, much less the death of someone who was dear to us.
A better approach is to seek out the lesson in the challenge we’re facing or, if we have suffered a loss, to grieve it with all of our heart and soul.

Setbacks do not rob us of our happiness unless we are stuck with the definition of happiness as a hedonistic whirl or constant success. Unhappiness is not the enemy, so long as we know how to face it, learn from it, process it, and then leave it behind.

Get the happiness habit

I practice choosing happiness every day. The first thing I do after I’ve woken at 5.30am, washed and dressed, is go for a brisk power walk. I look for things that will boost my sense of peaceful joy in the world. This is a quiet kind of happiness that is always available to us. And it doesn’t depend on anything fabulous happening, or on anyone else. Happiness is my decision, and that puts me in control.

In life, bad things happen. Hard thing happen. And to everyone! But if we can accept that fact and continue to search for meaning during those moments in time, if we can maintain our sense that however low we may go, we will come back up, then we give ourselves a much better chance of coming through sadness, disappointment and grief, and living with peaceful, calm happiness as a constant state.

Personally, I like living like that. Plus it puts me in control of my life, and I like that even more!

Action: What are your thoughts on happiness as a decision and as a constant state? I’d love to hear them. How about sharing your views below?

Could some guidance from me be helpful to you? If so, please arrange a free 30 mins Skype strategy meeting with me. Here’s my calendar to book a meeting. I’d love to support you in some way to gain ‘seductive clarity’ in any aspect of your business or life.

Don’t Die With Your Music Still In You

The world lost a great teacher last weekend with the passing of Dr Wayne Dyer, internationally acclaimed self empowerment writer and speaker. He inspired millions over his lifetime through his teachings.

In reflecting on his passing, I re-read some of his very well known quotes, and several of them resonated with me today:

“Don’t die with your music still in you.” – Dr Wayne Dyer

Dr Dyer certainly didn’t die with his music still in him. He shared his thoughts, his talents, his gifts with the world. He was passionate about ‘living his bliss’ as he called it.

Are you living your bliss? Are you sharing your talents, gifts, skills with the world? Are you living the life you want to be living?

I asked myself those questions a couple of years ago. And in listening to my heart, I couldn’t honestly answer “yes”. At that point, life was good, but it wasn’t great. It wasn’t exciting enough for me. It wasn’t purposeful enough. Life wasn’t sizzling. In all honesty, I felt like I was letting myself and my talents down. I am not one to live with regrets, so something had to change…..

And it did. A little while later, I resigned from all the work I was doing and took time to re-evaluate, to stretch my mind.

“What we think determines what happens to us, so if we want to change our lives, we need to stretch our minds.” – Dr Wayne Dyer

And I have. I’ve reset my personal vision for the next 50 years, and it’s enormous. I’m totally out of my comfort zone as I work towards achieving the massive goals I’ve set… and yes, it’s a really challenging place to be. Thankfully most of the time it feels good, because what I’m doing is right for me and my life, and it will have a positive flow-on effect for those I love. At present, the ride is bumpy, filled with lots of twists and turns. Everything is totally unpredictable, but hey ho, that’s life, isn’t it?!?

My new future is unfolding. It’s exciting, it’s challenging, it’s scary – the fear gremlins kick in from time to time as I ‘put myself out there’, doing the work and living the life I am now creating. I’ve always had a fear of failure… but in the last few years, I’ve let that go (or at least I’m working on that too) as it’s wasted energy.

Oh, and as for the learning and the mistakes… there are many. But that’s OK too. They are lessons. I’m where I’m meant to be right now, learning, progressing and contributing every day. Now, I’m failing forward and enjoying the journey.

“Our lives are a sum total of the choices we have made.” – Wayne Dyer

I’m so excited about the new choices, the new decisions I’ve made and the work I’m doing. I’m definitely NOT going to die with my music still in me. I’m going to play my music on every musical instrument I can lay my hands on – regardless of how it sounds. 🙂

So, how about you? Are you living your life on your terms? Where’s your music?

Regret is one of the saddest emotions in life. I’ve seen too many people living with regret. It’s heartbreaking, especially when it’s experienced near the end of their life.

I will live the rest of my life continuing to sizzle and playing music according to my values of love and trust, happiness and gratitude, health and fitness, family and friends, learning and teaching, entrepreneurship and generosity, creativity and curiosity, courage and optimism, travel and adventure, collaboration and conversation.

I hope to hear your music loud and clear too. Let’s rock it out of the park together!

RIP Dr Wayne Dyer.

“You’ll seldom experience regret for anything that you’ve done. It’s what you haven’t done that will torment you. Therefore, the message is clear. Do it!Develop an appreciation for the present moment. Seize every second of your life and savour it.” – Dr Wayne Dyer

ACTION: Have you been a follower of Wayne Dyer? I’d love to know what impact his books and teachings have had on your life. How about telling me in the comments below.

What can we learn from the Athletics World Cup?

Don’t you think it’s a special privilege observing someone pushing themselves to their limits to achieve a goal – big or small, and to share in the elation and excitement of their achievement? I certainly do. I’m a bit of an achievement junkie and get huge vicarious pleasure in observing the achievements of others.

So it was fantastic to sporadically hook into the TV over the weekend to watch the massive achievements of so many athletes at the Athletics World Cup championships in Beijing. Despite athletics being in chaos due to ongoing doping scandals, the ‘clean’ athletes were awe-inspiring in their achievements.

The highlights for me were:

• The marvellous Mo Farah winning the 10,000m race.
• The multi-talented Jessica Ennis-Hill winning the Heptathlon world title.
• The legendary Usain Bolt retaining his 100m world title – by a whisker!

They struggle too

The thing is, while Mo, Jessica and Usain are known to many of us as magnificent athletes with phenomenal achievements behind them, often we don’t know their back stories, the struggles they’ve had to get to the level they’re at now.

While Usain Bolt is the undisputed fastest man in the world, by all accounts, he’s had a very unpredictable year this year. Injuries, average performances on the track, the swirl of drugs allegations affecting his sport (there is no suggestion he’s a drug cheat) have all taken their toll on him. Usain stumbled during his heats race too… and risked not being in the final. He certainly wasn’t the favourite to win this 100m final. Twice convicted drugs cheat Justin Gatlin was, so that added to the pressure.

Jessica Ennis-Hill took a couple of years away from her sport after the London 2012 Olympic Games to have a baby. She’s only recently returned and wasn’t sure until a couple of weeks ago whether her performances in the lead up to Beijing were good enough for this event. As she says, she’s a mother first and an athlete second. These world champs are the first time she’s had to be away from her young son, and her heart has ached as a result.

Mo Farah’s coach is under investigation for supplying a number of athletes with performance enhancing drugs. Mo is not implicated in this scam, but the accusations against the man who has been a major influence in his life and athletics career have certainly taken their toll on Mo.

What can we learn?

Quite simply, to never give up on the dream! Regardless of how hard it gets on the journey, if the dream, the vision, the goal is important enough to us, we can find a way! We will find a way. If we believe we can achieve it, we will.

Focus and determination in the face of challenge and difficulty is key to success – for everyone – not just elite athletes or ‘other’ people. Steely focus on the goal is critical.

Going the distance (excuse the running pun) by doing the work is fundamental to achieving the success we want. Yes, there are times when we’ll be on the wrong path and we’ll have to turn back or turn left or right to get back on track… that’s just another way of going the distance.

I love Shakespeare’s quote: ‘Nothing comes from doing nothing.’ We need to continually take action. Movement propels us forward. While it may take a while, if we want it enough, if we are determined, we will achieve our goal.

Our own gold medal

What’s on offer when we get through the challenge, the twists and turns, the struggle? What’s on the other side of pushing through our own lack of belief that at times will attempt to limit and control us?

Our own success! Our own gold medal! Our own jubilation, joy and satisfaction at a job well done! Now, that’s something to behold. That’s something to keep striving for.

“A dream! A belief! An action! That’s all it takes to create the life you want.” – Adèle McLay

ACTION: I’d love to know if you’ve been inspired by the very many sporting heroes who are competing around the world at present. What inspires you the most about their journey, successes, failures and achievements? How about letting us know in the comments below?

Eureka! I’ve got it!

“Our worst days are actually our best days in disguise. If we are willing, that is where the learning and growth is for a beautiful tomorrow.” – Adèle McLay

Have you been in situations where things aren’t going well and you just can’t put your finger on what the problem is?

Not happy in your job. Business isn’t booming as you’d hoped. Relationships are struggling. Stress levels are worrying. Life seems a constant struggle.

Well, I’ve been in similar situations lots of times throughout my life and I’ve come to realise that what seem like the worst moments, for me, are actually the most significant, the most growth filled times, so long as I’ve been prepared to embrace the discomfort.

I’ve had another of those times recently where things weren’t working out in one of my businesses. I established the business several years ago, and thought I had the vision and business plan correct. Then life intervened and things didn’t flow. Not much was working as I’d planned. For an achievement junkie like me, that is sooo annoying. So I parked that business for a bit!

Life and opportunity intervenes when we least expect it

But just recently the universe has been sent me a pile of messages (and more frustration).

Plus that annoying ‘Niggle’ came back. For me, the Niggle is that little voice in the back of my mind that brings things from left (or right) field onto my mental horizon. It throws more curve balls my way. It tells me that more learning and growth is on its way….so long as I go the distance with the struggle I’m having. I can tell you that it’s really not at all comfortable in those moments.

But, getting pretty used to the Niggle, this time I felt really excited… what might happen next? What’s about to change?

I started thinking more deeply about parts of my life and businesses.

I started putting myself into situations that are not normal for me, but felt right in the moment.
I also spent time refocusing on me. My purpose in life. My vision for my life. And perhaps most importantly, my personal values.

I had little planning sessions with myself – checked in with ‘me’ again – something I hadn’t done in a while.

And the answers came ….with a hiss and a roar (well, actually it was a quiet revelation)

Even while I was loathing the weekend seminar I was attending (I didn’t resonate with the style of the presenter, so it was REALLY hard going!), I persisted… and persisted… right to the end.
And then the final piece of the jigsaw fell into place. The light bulb moment happened as a quiet revelation at the end of the second day while I was nursing a massive headache after the tortuous event….. Yes, it’s weird when growth happens!

Eureka! The future is bright

I got it!! The business that I set up two years ago was heading in the wrong direction. It wasn’t fitting my values, and the things I personally love to do in business. I was pushing myself as the ‘square peg’ into ‘the round hole’ of the business plan I’d established. It was never going to work!! I just didn’t see that at the time I created the business.

So, with renewed energy and total focus, I’m in the process of re-inventing that business.

To say I’m excited is an understatement. I can’t wait to bring this renewed vision into reality… (more on that at a later time).

What about you? Is your problem a gift?

We all hit hiatuses in life. We all have really difficult times. We all smash into obstacles and it hurts. Some of us have really ugly times, times we think we won’t recover from.

It sounds silly, I know, but problems in life and business are gifts. They have the potential to support us to create a new and better tomorrow. A beautiful tomorrow.

It will only happen if we are prepared to sit with the discomfort, the pain. Now. Acknowledge it. Think about it. Learn from it. Analyse it with truth and commitment to our passions, values and heart – our love and respect for ourselves and all others whom we treasure in our lives. Then we must take massive action to create the change we want to see in our lives.

You see, if we don’t push through what we loathe most in life, what we fear most in life, what we don’t want in life, if we remain living in struggle, or settle for a life of simmering, we’ll never ever have what we most want in our lives.

I know that as a fact from deep and very personal experience over the whole of my life.

My wish for you is a lifetime of E-U-R-E-K-A moments too. Life changing moments that lead to more love, joy, passion, excitement, adventure and success – as you define it.

ACTION: I’d love to hear about your Eureka moments in life. Moments that led to massive and beneficial change. Let’s get a conversation going and inspire others to travel through their pain towards Eureka.

Sleeping our way to Success

Yes, it’s a corny heading, but hopefully it got your attention.

We need more sleep to achieve success

Have you noticed that lately there’s been umpteen studies done on the importance of sleep and how the deprivation of it adds to our stress levels and affects our long term health.

Once upon a time, I was in the ‘sleep is for wimps’ camp as I worked hard in business to achieve the success I was seeking. I wasn’t alone. We all did it… it was the one dimensional success model of last century. Defined by money, power and status, we worked and played hard.

If there’s one thing that I’m now certain of, it’s that we can have all the money and success in the world, but if we don’t have our health, what’s the point?

Health and wellbeing have to be a priority

In her fabulous book, Thrive, Arianna Huffington makes an excellent case for more sleep based on her personal experience. Over the years Arianna worked herself so hard that she fell unconscious at her desk one night and seriously hit her head in the fall. She could have lost her life….for what? Yet another achievement!

Academics around the world are finding that sleep deprivation is a ‘ticking time bomb’ for our health. But are we heeding the lessons from all the research? Probably not.

Guy’s and St Thomas’ NHS Foundation Trust in London has demonstrated that increasing numbers of people are suffering from disorders that are linked to sleep deprivation: diabetes, obesity and heart disease (to name but a few). Scary stuff, don’t you think?

Surrey University has recently published research demonstrating that 700 genes are altered when we don’t get enough sleep – less than six hours per night. Perhaps it’s hardly surprising that we suffer due to lack of sleep.

I don’t know about you, but when I don’t get enough sleep, I feel grumpy, less energetic, less alive, and less ready to hit the day. My mental acuity is reduced… my temper can be sharp. All and all, it’s a lose/lose for everyone – me and those around me.

How can we get more sleep?

There are lots of reasons why we don’t get enough sleep. Our lifestyles are a huge contributor. Commuting to work, family demands, business and career stresses and pressure, our obsession with technology in all its forms – TV, social media, on demand – you know what I’m talking about.

How about starting with a couple of simple ways to get more sleep? As they say, ‘less is more’. Here are four of the tactics I use to help me get around seven hours sleep per night. I hope they help you too.

1. Stop eating and drinking at least three hours earlier. I try to ensure dinner is done and dusted by 7pm so I have a clear three hours of digestion occurring before bed. Unlike babies, I can’t sleep properly on a full tummy. I don’t drink alcohol, so this is not an issue for me, but for others it is… over to you as to when you stop drinking each night before bed.

2. Log out of your social media world at least one hour before bed. As much as Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Instagram and Snapchat are fun to ‘play’ in, updating our lives or catching up on those of others, doing this just before bed ignites our brain. It stimulates us so that we’re still wired when it’s time to ‘hit the sack’. Instead, make a promise to yourself to ‘turn off the tech’ one hour before bed and start winding down with a book, music, quiet time or even better, have some family time.

3. Go to bed half an hour earlier than you want to fall asleep. My sleep patterns are 10.30pm to 5.30am, so I try to be in bed most nights by 10pm. In that time, I relax in the quiet of our bedroom. It helps me to unwind. I routinely fall asleep by 10.30, which is great!

4. Phone turned off or at least on silent – better still, leave it in another room. The sound of our phones ‘pinging’ each time another email comes through or Facebook newsfeed is updated by someone connected to us is likely to wake us – it certainly wakes me. At that time, the worst thing we can do is look at our phones, as that will awaken us more and we’ll be wired for the rest of the night (I know this from bitter experience). Resort to old technology instead – invest in an old fashioned alarm clock to wake you in the morning.

There are lots of other techniques available to get more sleep. The key is to get more if you’re having six hours or less per night. Start slowly, add an extra 30 minutes of sleep a day, and see how you feel. Eventually your body will want more and will thank you for honouring it with more. Plus, you’ll be happier, friendlier, and more mentally alert in business and life. Perhaps most importantly, you’ll be healthier. That for me is the biggest reason to get more sleep.

ACTION: How about sharing your own ideas for getting more sleep at night? I’d love to know what you’re doing.

7 Beliefs of Extraordinary People

Think of the most extraordinary or successful people you know or admire. In all likelihood, they are just like you, me and most others … ordinary people with an X factor.

I’ve had the pleasure of meeting, working with, coaching and interviewing the most extraordinary people over the last 30 years; people who are successful in the widest definition of the word. Yes, some are hugely successful entrepreneurs, business leaders, sports people, and celebrities. Others are people who are living on their terms, ordinary people with extraordinary lives.

Their journeys have not been easy or straight forward. There have been twists and turns, stops and starts, successes and failures, happiness and heartache, yet they have risen above all that to be, have, achieve and give all that they desire.

I’ve noticed common threads, common beliefs that have helped them be the people they are. You can model those beliefs to create the success in life you want. Great eh!

Belief 1: 100 percent accountability

Life is full of tough bits, but successful people find ways to get around them or over them. What they don’t do is get resentful, give up or sit back in a fog of self-entitlement and wait for their luck to change. They understand and accept that life is a journey. They are 100 percent accountable and responsible for everything in their lives.

Belief 2: People are paramount

On one hand, this has become a truism of modern life: people matter. On the other, most of us forget it, every day. Often we take our loved ones for granted. We do what we need to, in order to keep the home fires burning or to fulfil our social or business obligations, and we forget that this is a dimension of life in which we can either succeed, or… not. Extraordinary people recognise that people are critical in all parts of their lives – business and personal.

Belief 3: Constant learning

Success in its widest definition is built on staying dynamic. Not settling. Continuing to learn. Often as adults we forget how exciting it is to learn and grow, and how vital this is to a meaningful life.

Successful people also grow by being productive. They create; they don’t just consume. It might be pottery or cupcakes or electronic music. It could be something more amorphous: setting up a Corporate Social Responsibility Committee at work or putting together a library of kids’ books for the local children’s hospital. Any process that incorporates learning, problem solving and creativity into our lives enables us to grow.

Belief 4: No such thing as failure

Personal growth only happens when something changes, and change is often painful. It means we risk failure, which is very often painful. But failure is a fact of life for anyone who is dynamic, and failures are fast tracks to growth. Successful people don’t view them as failures. They see them as opportunities for learning. We should try to fear failure less. How about ‘failing forward’ as I call it?

Belief 5: Everything happens for a reason

As much as this is hard to take when times are tough, we are where we are in life right now, for a reason. There are lessons and learnings to take from our current experience and situation. There are new horizons on offer because we are at this juncture. When we learn the lessons we move forward, often in new and unexpected ways. Successful people understand that, and look for the lessons on all dimensions, so they can move forward, fast.

Belief 6: Commitment and focus

As Shakespeare said: “Nothing comes from doing nothing”. One of the fundamental traits of successful people is their ability to deploy laser-like focus on achieving their goals, no matter the distractions, challenges, bumps and bruises along the way. For as long as the goals remain relevant to them, successful people remain committed and focused. When we really focus on something, we turbo-boost our efforts and we see more clearly how to do the work.

Belief 7: Happiness and gratitude

Happiness is a decision we make; it is not derived from an event, nor is it dependent on somebody else. Happiness is not a stroke of luck. Too many people say, ‘I’d be happy if ……’ or, ‘I’ll be happy when ……….’ Pinning our happiness on something that has yet to come to pass is a sure-fire way to miss the happiness available to us in the here and now.

The practice of gratitude is absolutely fundamental to replenishing our energy reserves. It is one of the key ways in which we choose happiness for ourselves and it also boosts our ability to empathise with others and live in a more open-hearted and generous way.

Extraordinary people know that happiness in the now and gratitude is core to their sparkle in life. In some way, it also outwardly contributes to their X factor, the magnetism that we’re often attracted to.

You’ve made it. These are the 7 success beliefs of successful and extraordinary people. As promised, they are not unique to others, they are simple strategies that work and can be mastered by us all. Are you up for it?

ACTION: Which of the success beliefs do you hold close and practice already? Are there other success beliefs that you see in the people you most admire in your life? Let me know in the comments below. I’d love to read your thoughts and ideas.

Your Sizzling Life

The life of your dreams is waiting for you to bring it into being.

Close your eyes and summon it up. Paint a mental picture of success in every aspect of your existence. You’re living with passion and energy, you’re in control and running the show on your own terms. You feel truly alive. Your life is so exciting, so buzzing with energy, that it sizzles. It fulfils you and nurtures you, inspires and challenges you.

It’s a life full of love, laughter and extraordinary achievement. You wake every day with the desire to get out there and do more, know more, be more. Even when you’re down you’re never out because you have a sparkling vision of what a sizzlingly successful life means to you, and you have strategies for making it happen.

The rewards are more joy, more connection, more energy, more purpose – a super-charged existence that you experience in technicolour.

Now, open your eyes. Get ready to bring this gorgeous vision right into your everyday world. You have to believe it so you can work it. And you’d better believe that your sizzling life isn’t a pipe dream, a saccharine-sweet fantasy that only exists in your head. In fact, the sizzling life happens when you get real, when you refuse to accept defeat, when get back up again, even though you’ve been knocked sprawling.

Sizzling is what happens when you fear you can’t go on fighting to bring your dream into reality but still you take just one more step, and then another. It happens every time you say no to the old ways of thinking that kept you stuck and choose to believe in the life of your dreams. Your sizzling life happens when you achieve the things you’ve been working towards for years and your family, your friends, your team, are there to watch you winning, with tears in their eyes. The sizzling life is what happens to us and for us when we stop struggling, reject mediocrity and choose to be truly alive, passionate and extraordinary.

A sizzling life takes guts and vision, hard work and determination. You have to craft your strategies in order to live a sizzling life. But when you choose to step centre stage and take responsibility for remaking your world and creating the life of your dreams, you will be unstoppable. I believe in your sizzling life. It’s time to make it a reality. Let’s get started.

ACTION: I’d love to hear how you are creating a life that for you is sizzling. How about sharing your experiences and thoughts below?

Sizzling in Business & Life. Are you?

We have the power to shape our lives, and to use the extraordinary untapped power we have to be focused and effective, to perform at a far higher level.

I believe we can have it all. Not in the tired old sense of trying to be everything to everybody, multi-tasking our way to a state of exhaustion, but by focusing on what makes us feel truly alive, passionate and extraordinary, and doing more of that and less of everything else.

We each have our own perspective on the world, and with persistence, hard work and self belief, there are no limits to what we can achieve.

When we are clear on our purpose in life, when we have a vision for our life, when we are clear on our values, when we have plans in place to achieve our vision and purpose, we have the potential to sizzle! We will be mega performers, laser focused towards the achievement of our vision – our dream life. For me that means Destiny Represented Evocatively, Actively and Magnetically!

Why do so few attain it?

So if a life of mega performance and achievement – a sizzling life – is available to every one of us, why is it that so few of us attain it? If we were fortunate enough to be born in the developed world then most of us live in an environment of abundance, with our basic needs met and more resources than we could ever need or want at our disposal.

Why then do we still feel unsuccessful?

Why do some of us struggle constantly with professional setbacks, health problems and relationships turned sour? Why do others of us settle for being comfortable, for mediocrity, for simmering when we could be sizzling?

I’ve always been fascinated by the question of what makes the difference between a life of struggle, a life that barely simmers, and a life that really sizzles.

We’ve all met people who have suffered unimaginable things yet managed to overcome their pain and their past to create a magnificent life. I’m not necessarily talking about superstars who’ve broken records or made a fortune.

I’ve known lots of perfectly normal people whom I admire for their ability to live a full-throttle life of love, laughter and achievement, and who have extraordinary abilities to pick themselves up even after disastrous setbacks and recreate their sizzling lives. How do they do it?

I’ve been asking myself those questions and exploring the answers via intense study of psychology, spirituality and personal development for more than 30 years, initially as a young university graduate, then as a banker, business adviser, entrepreneur, mega-performance coach and more. I am fuelled and inspired by the answers I find in the stories of others, whether they’re my clients, my friends or strangers I meet.

We all can….

I have come to realise that people who live sizzling lives are just like you and me. The only difference is that they think more strategically and take massive action to put those strategies into practice. They become mega performers in business and life as they live with vision, purpose and connected to their personal values. Fortunately, their habits and skills can be acquired, which, as a mega performance coach, is where I come in.

You might be thinking this is all very wishy washy and not very corporate or entrepreneurial.

Let me tell you that unless we as entrepreneurs or our employees have a clear purpose, a compelling personal vision for being in our businesses, reasons that work for us and them beyond receiving a monthly pay cheque, we will never see or own or their sizzle – we will never experience mega performance in ourselves or our employees.

Why? Because we and they won’t care enough to put in the effort, as it doesn’t matter enough; there’s no or little life or emotional connection, and that’s a problem.

But align our employees’ and our own life purpose, vision, values and goals with our respective roles in our businesses, and lives and businesses change. Mega performance and success is much more assured – for all; them, and us as the business owners and managers.

Now in my book that’s something worth aiming for!

Action: Are you sizzling with the joy of life in your world – business and pleasure? Are your employees sizzling in your business too? If not, why not? It’s time to sort that out so that you and your business thrive, and your employees do too.

Two Teenagers Teach Communication

Meet Amy (left) and my daughter, Gemma. I’m so proud of these two 13 year olds. Why? Because recently, together they were willing to learn some really important life lessons, lessons that I hope will support them throughout the rest of their lives. I also hope they’ll be leaders in school, university and later in life, teaching others the lessons they’ve learned.

And what did they learn?

The art of effective communication to resolve conflict.

Sadly, conflict in relationships occurs all the time. Very few of us are immune to relationships being challenged or, worse, going sour. As a result, friendships wane. Marriages end. Grievances occur in business. Countries go to war.

In my opinion, relationships should be joyous, heart warming, mutually beneficial and nurturing for all. They may not be forever, but while they exist, they should be happy and harmonious.

When things go wrong, I believe there are 5 steps we should follow to move us forward to get us over the hump of the communication and conflict challenge.

Here’s what Gemma and Amy did to restore their friendship.

Step 1: Acknowledge the difficulty
Whether it’s a love, friend or work relationship, when things are difficult, be brave. Be prepared to admit to yourself and the other person that something is wrong in the relationship for you. Don’t just ignore what you’re feeling. You’ll feel a certain sadness, a loss, a lack of energy. Trust your gut instinct. Speak to the other person.

Step 2: Listen… then be heard
Listen to the other person’s point of view, in silence. Don’t interrupt them. Let them speak and feel heard. You will get your turn. While you might not agree with any or all that they say, let them say it. Let them feel valued and listened to. Then you do the same. Speak your truth, gently and kindly.

Step 3: Talk and find common ground
Find common ground. It’s always there if you look for it. What are the things you can agree on?

With Gemma and Amy, the common ground was acknowledging how important their friendship was, and how sad they were feeling that they were not communicating. They missed each other’s friendship. They also worked through the issues they had, ticking off the points they could agree on.

Very often the issues that challenge and destroy relationships are few but are heightened as they grab our attention. Whereas when we work at it, the things that are good in the relationship are far more in number, but get lost in the anger, sadness and devastation.

Step 4: Keep talking and find a way forward
There will be areas you don’t agree on. He says/she says. He did this/she did that. You know how it goes. Attitudes and behaviours may need to change. Trust may be an issue. Forgiveness may be required. That’s normal.

Create a simple plan for how you will move forward with the areas you can’t agree on. Find middle ground. Compromise. Give and take. Nothing is perfect all the time. Movement is important. Desire is critical.

The key is the importance of the relationship to both parties. If it matters, then it should matter that the conflict is resolved. Together both parties must willingly find a way forward to preserve the beauty of what you have by finding solutions to the grey or difficult areas.

Step 5: Take action
Start rebuilding the relationship, the trust, the joy that you once had. If both parties are working on it, the integrity of the relationship will be restored.

Keep talking. Make a date for lunch or dinner; take a walk in the park. Play! Have fun together. Take small steps. Many small steps on the right pathway will achieve the desired end goal – the beauty, comfort and joy of the relationship.

Lessons from our girls
Gemma and Amy went swimming all day yesterday and now have plans to spend loads of time together during the British summer holidays.

They’ve learnt a lot about themselves and each other. They’ve been brave through tears and anger. They’ve moved on. They’ve become role models to their peers. They’re teachers to adults. I love them, their innocence and bravery.

Most importantly, I totally respect Gemma and Amy for taking a stand on the importance of their friendship, and for being willing to be guided in conflict resolution at such a tender and vulnerable age.

Who knows if they will remain lifelong friends? Who cares! For now, they have the beauty, playfulness and happiness of their friendship. I think many adults can take great lessons from these wonderful young women.

Action: How about sharing below the beauty of the relationships you have in your life, be they in love, friendship, work, business, or community. Relationships are one of the key foundations in life.

Generosity. What’s the Why?

One of my key values in life is generosity. I believe in being open-hearted and giving.

Giving of myself – being loving and kind.

Giving of my knowledge – teaching and guiding others.

Giving of my time – being fully present with people.

Giving of my resources – donating and sharing.

Giving of my humanity – being empathetic and offering friendship.

Occasionally I’ve questioned the value of generosity that I hold so dear – mostly after I’ve felt that somebody has abused my generosity or kindness. I’m facing that dynamic at the moment, having encountered some people at a different stage in their life’s journey, and where generosity of spirit doesn’t seem to mean much.

In those moments, for me the key lesson is to continue giving willingly and without expectation, and to remind myself that the joy and beauty is always in the unconditional giving.

Generosity has served me well thus far, therefore, I’m certain it will continue to do so for the rest of my life.

In stepping back from this current situation, I’ve been reflecting on the life and business benefits of generosity. And they are plentiful.

I’m a believer in creating ‘Brand Love’. To be successful in business, we MUST create emotional connections with our community; we must stand apart from our competitors; we must get noticed (for all the right reasons). Our community MUST feel our generosity towards them as well as our love and respect for them.

In my mind, the only way to do that is to give, give and give some more. Give our expertise, our knowledge, our time (albeit carefully managed), our encouragement, our personality, our frailties (own up and correct our mistakes, after all we’re all human), our professionalism. All that leads to an outstanding customer promise, which, over time when done consistently, results in Brand Love. The businesses that are loved have cheerleaders who support and encourage their long term success. Starbucks has a worldwide army of cheerleaders, and of course, so does Apple. What business brands do you love?

When we give without expectation of receiving, so much more comes back in return, and often in ways we may never have expected (and when we least expect it). I experience this phenomenon almost daily. It’s thrilling. It’s heart warming. It causes me to want to be even more generous in all parts of my life.

Have you heard the saying that: “Reputation is what people say about us when we’re not in the room”? A generous person is spoken highly of by others when they’re not around. After my mother passed unexpectedly in October 2014, the adoration that poured out for her was unparalleled. During her lifetime, she gave love and she taught people to love unconditionally. That was her lasting legacy; her reputation; her generosity.

Equally, the reputations of the unkind and mean spirited catch up with them. Others vent their frustration, and they gossip. Reputations get damaged, and at times, shattered. At the end of the day, reputation is all we have in business and life, isn’t it? Is it worth being mean spirited, unkind and cold-hearted? Personally, I think not.

Perhaps the biggest win of all is being able to look oneself in the mirror and enjoy the lightness of the heart and soul that reflects brightly back. Now, in my book, that’s a good enough reason to value and practice generosity.

ACTION: I’d love to hear what you think about the value of generosity. Please leave a comment, and let’s get the conversation going. I’m sure there will be healthy debate and learning.